An Open Letter to the United Daughters of the Confederacy

These last few weeks since the events in Charlottesville, VA have been gut-wrenching for all of us. As proud Southerners, we are committed to honoring and remember our families who served in the Civil War.  In just two weeks' time, vandalizing and toppling Confederate monuments has become hip and trendy, when no one gave two s**ts about them three weeks ago.  Left wing lunatics have decided these gravestones are a threat to democracy and a free society...like, overnight, they're so triggered. 

The daily removal of our monuments and memorials leaves me speechless and hurting.  I've spent countless hours on social media trying to share the personal stories, the compelling family side of why we take this so seriously.  It's been fruitless, I'll be honest.  Most folks don't care what the truth is.  They choose to believe what they want, and no amount of fact you share with them will be heard. It's inconvenient.

Many of the local monuments being vandalized and removed were erected by the United Daughters of the Confederacy.  As a proud UDC member, I am pained by the lack of visibility and defense from the UDC as an organization.  Some of these monuments are being removed at the chapters' requests!   These are memorials to our families, to our grieving grandparents, for the sons, husbands, fathers and brothers who were lost.  Their presence in these public spaces are an important reminder of these losses.  Without them, our families and struggle will surely be forgotten.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Will be cower and pull them to "protect" them?  These stones are not meant to offend or hurt anyone. They are certainly not indicators of white supremacy, oppression, or any such nonsense. 

At this exact moment (2pm Saturday Aug 26), a rally is happening in downtown Knoxville, TN over one of our monuments there. Not a bronze statue 5 stories high,  a hunk of stone that no one even realized was there until someone told them they should be offended by it. 

ONE MAN with Patriot Media is down there in support of that monument, on Facebook Live so it can't be edited or spun by the news media.  Any SCV with him? Any Daughters out there with him?  He's hollering #GETOFFTHECOUCH and come down here and be a peaceful voice of support with me...and...crickets.   This beautifully carved stone, simply honoring the men and boys who were lost during the conflict, is all of a sudden a crisis in American society.  

Where are the Daughters of the Confederacy?  The UNITED Daughters of the Confederacy? Why are you at home today?  We've spent 126 years doing a really good job at picking up the pieces from crisis...recovering from decimation, grieving, honoring our dead, remembering them always.  It's really a passive exercise, and thank God it has been....until now.  We are wholly unprepared to carry our lost sons, or to even be strong enough to protect their memories.  What we've lost, or never planned for, was how to be courageous.   We're all caught up in the titles, hierarchy, chain of command, pomp and circumstance, and we have no boots on the ground, ladies.  We can be involved without riots.  We can have a voice without needing a permit to assemble.   We're worried about the loss of 501c3 status, when very soon, we'll be labeled a hate group and not eligible anyway.    

Just this week I read an article from Newsweek, and sadly, it did have us pegged.  Most of the world sees us as a social club; a bunch of aging old biddies in fancy hats who meet every few months with our ribbons and pins, drink tea and eat finger sandwiches.  Oh, and do photo ops with our monuments.  And have fabulous period-dress parades!   Once a year we gather in convention centers to elect new officers, who tend to rotate around in various positions of leadership over the course of their lifelong membership.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hats, I LOVE the social aspect of our organization and I adore my like-minded sisters. 

That's how the world sees us, ladies.  That isn't what drives us in our hearts, but that is how we are perceived on the outside.  I can't even count the number of negative comments I've seen recently, such as "you couldn't pay me to join UDC, they don't DO anything".   

The fact is, we do have a lot of older members (50+).  I'm 45 myself.  But when we're gone, who will lead the UDC?  Will it be dissolved?  In today's climate of erasing history, will we just let go?   If we're truly committed to the honor and memory of our families, what can we do to shake things up and encourage new membership, younger members?   My own chapter suggested "don't listen to all the naysayers, let's focus on the positives".  I disagree with that recommendation.  If we don't hear the naysayers, we can't recognize in ourselves that which does need to change, to make us more effective, valuable, and necessary.

The UDC has such a tremendous responsibility to be at the forefront of this argument in 2017.   We can bring a sense of calm, a maternal love and grief, a gentle defense to what these monuments really mean. Certainly the chapters in TN should be there in full regalia. This is your monument to your dead. National should be supporting you.   And I'm talking to every chapter in every state.  "Ignore it and it will go away" is not going to work this time.   If there was ever a time for us to be brave, as our great great great grandmothers had to be in fearful times, it's NOW.  We're comfortable in our chapter meetings and periodic dress parades.  With strong leadership and a peaceful presence, the UDC can help prevent another war.  Be the emissaries our ancestors need.

I'm not a hero

I've been a special needs mom for 14 years now.  Pretty sure I've not slept a solid night in all that time.  My son has Down syndrome, ADHD, and sensory issues.  There's no sleeping, even with melatonin.  He's often up multiple times a night.  And now that he is more independent (yay, but bah!), he will sometimes wake up at 3am, come down stairs, turn on the TV and start fixing his own chicken nuggets in the microwave.  I have to sleep with one ear open at all times, listening for the turn of his door handle, so I can jump up fast enough to redirect him back to bed and keep his brain from switching "on".  Mine too.  Although I'm thrilled he is capable of motor planning all of those activities, dude needs to sleep so MOM can sleep.  Otherwise, I'm a "Mom-bie", and that is not pleasant for anyone in the family....for 14 straight years.

All that aside, throughout these 14 years, I am constantly reminded of the two sides of being a special needs parent.  When my son was born, I remember distinctly saying "I don't want to be a flag waver". You know those people I mean...the ones who band together and celebrate their child's differences, and try to convince the rest of the world of the value and potential they have.  It's a sad state of affairs that we even HAVE to do that.  But it is crucial to the organized, pro-life, dignity of the disabled narrative to put on that sunshine face at all times.  I get it, I understand it, I accept it, and I fight for it, every day...because the pro-life, dignity of the disabled narrative IS of crucial importance in a world hell-bent on marginalizing human life.  The Down syndrome prenatal abortion rate is up near 90% in this country.  That's just not OK, not in any way, shape, form, or for any reason.

At the same time, while we're all smiling for the camera, what I find in family "support groups" is a lack of any safe space for moms to just openly admit they are struggling.   It's way too much about the delirious, emphatic love of our children (which of course is REAL, but only one part of our lives). Where can new moms grieve what feels like an awful loss?  We're not allowed to say "this is really hard, I haven't slept in weeks, I wish he didn't have XYZ, I didn't want this for my child"....  where is there a safe place to even be able to say that out loud?   Hospitals send you home with "here's an information packet from your local support group, have a nice life".  Why do parents pretend they aren't hurting, sad, frustrated, discouraged, or feeling a daily sense of grief?  Why is there shame and guilt in being honest with yourself and others?   Why are you labeled "selfish" for needing respite, a real break, time away to rest?  I call BS on that.

The world should say "God bless you for serving and raising this precious gift...we know it's hard, we know it's worth it, what can we do to support you?"  That's where we should be.  Not "you had the chance to terminate it" or "you chose to adopt a child like that, you brought this on yourself".  People that think that need to shut up and keep on walking.  Unfriended and blocked on FB.  I've got no time for idiots like that.

For the last 10 years I've served as a non-profit director in the special needs community.  I founded that organization out of intense love for my son, but also to surround myself with people who actually CHOOSE this challenging life.  Some of those people adopt multiple times. It somehow soothes my heart to know that so many people think so highly of *my* child that they would intentionally bring a child like him into their own families.   Many in the general public see special needs moms as heroic in some bizarre way.  We are not heroes.  We are ordinary moms raising extraordinary children.  It makes me uncomfortable to be put on a pedestal.  I am only doing that which I know needs to be done.  I'm not a hero.  Heroes don't hurt.  Heroes aren't broken down.  Heroes aren't tired.  Heroes don't cry.  And if they do, they get over it really fast.

So now, after 10 years, I'm feeling compelled to serve more moms like myself....moms who just need a break.  We need to sleep, alone, away, in quiet peace, for more than 15 minutes.  It's taken me too long to realize that taking care of ME is the best way I can serve my children. I've allowed myself to be drained beyond the point of functioning.  And I'm here now to help other moms get to that realization sooner than I did. It's ok to admit that I'm sad and tired and stressed....and that it's ok to get away by myself for a few days.  I know thousands of other moms are in the same place, and I hope you're all shedding silent tears reading this, knowing you aren't alone.  Being tired and stressed does not mean your child is not worth the extra effort.  It just means YOU ARE TOO.